The National Association of Writers’ Groups
Head Office: The Arts Centre, Biddick Lane, Washington, Tyne & Wear NE38 2AB

One “wanna-be” writer (usually quite tender and delicate; needs seasoning)

One “could have been” writer (often quite vinegary or peppery)

One “has been” writer (often pre-soaked in various types of alcohol)

One “will be when I’ve got time” writer (a tasteless ineffective ingredient, but useful for adding bulk to the mixture)

One curvaceous widow who is lonely, seeking a warm room with friendly company for the evening (likely to have ample breast and leg, frequently tasty and appealing to the eye)

One retired infant schoolteacher with delusions of status who misses the power (tends to burble under heat or pressure

One social writer (often accompanied by measures of own liquid

One “I didn’t fight in the last war for all this” writer (quite tough, with a metallic taste. Can be abrasive in texture)

One “I only write contemporary poetry” writer (spicy, exotic, piquantne “anything other than a romantic novel is a waste of time” writer (often has overpoweringly cloying sweetness of molasses or honey

One “I don’t give a f*** whether you like swearing or not” writer (usually ‘off,’ useful only for stuffing)

One “there’s nothing worse than writing in verse” writer (tends towards sharpness, with more than a hint of citrus)

A sprinkling of writers with a propensity for scribbling (preferably mild, in a variety of colours, tastes and textures)

Gather ingredients into a welcoming environment. Provide tables and chairs (these not too comfortable), along with a selection of writing paper and utensils

One of the additional ingredients will tend to bring the strongest flavour to the mix. Some experimentation is needed, as too strong an influence should be avoided

Once assembled, the ingredients should be heated (Gas Mark 0.5, 65-70°F) and stirred gently, preferably separating those with a tendency to cling together. In literary terms, this is known as “cliquing.” (In winter months, it is advisable to strain ingredients to remove excess liquids from outer surfaces before peeling.)

Allow the mix to simmer for ten minutes, using a wooden spoon to quell any over-reaction to the heat.

Then, agitate vigorously by dropping into the mix contentious statements such as “Well, in my opinion, modern poetry is rubbish!”

While mixing continues, certain ingredients should not be allowed to be in close proximity to each other. The “I don’t give a f*** whether you like swearing or not” writer is best placed on the periphery of the mix where he/she is less likely to contaminate by association. At all times during the preparation of this compote, consideration should be given to the delicacy of the rounded widow and the explosive nature of the teacher.

If any part of the compote comes to the boil, a dash of water should immediately be thrown into the mix. A moistened cloth should then cover the mixture.

The writing materials should by this time have been liberally introduced into the mixture and the constituent ingredients should then show a tendency to burble. Again, care must be taken not to overheat at this point.

During the mixing, the addition of approximately one decilitre of liquid tannin or caffeine, along with a dash of milk and a sprinkling of sweetener, should further quieten the ingredients. The addition of ginger or cocoa in the form of crumbled biscuits has a thickening effect on the mix, but this should be delayed until at least sixty minutes have elapsed. Please observe care when adding.

After two hours, the procedure is completed. The mix should then be adequately wrapped before being tipped out.

A smidgen of alcohol at this point will make the ingredients bind admirably. Too much alcohol, however, will lead to the compote becoming somewhat explosive and difficult to handle. In severe cases, use of fire-resistant gloves is suggested.

The finished dish should be garnished with certificates of achievement where available and the compote may then be served at poetry readings, writing festivals and other similar literary functions. Avoid over-exposure to effusions of praise.

This exotic dish is health-enhancing, but may be extremely habit-forming. Persons of a delicate disposition should be warned of violent side effects such as over-excitement and occasional tantrums.

This recipe produces a dish for approximately fifteen people for a weekly cost of around £10.

The National Association of Writers’ Groups
Head Office: The Arts Centre, Biddick Lane, Washington, Tyne & Wear NE38 2AB